For better or worse I have quite a bit of dating experience. So much so that a friend (girl) of mine has been hounding me to blog about it. She thinks women need to hear more about dating from a man’s perspective, so here I am. Just to give you a little context, I’m 37 years old, divorced, and don’t have any kids, so basically a catch. Needless to say I’ve been on a few dates in my years. I’m recently back on the market (shocker) which means back to that swipe life. After hundreds of swipes on Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, and The League, I’ve become a bit of a dating app connoisseur. I do the movie review thing so I figured I’d give these apps the same treatment with a game of f*ck, marry, and kill.
F*ck – Hey. What’s up? That’s pretty much Tinder if you’re a girl under 30. At least that’s what it seems like since so many women warn us in their bios not to lead with this. Are most guys really this lame? I was married when Tinder exploded and the reality is I’ve probably aged out of it, but I still think it sucks. All of these apps are designed to get you to pay but this one is pretty egregious. The only thing that it has going for it is Smart Photos. Just swipe enough to find out which photo people like the best and then head over to another app.
Marry – With Hinge I finally found my person. Just kidding I wanna puke every time I hear someone say “my person.” I mean how and when did that become a thing? At any rate if you’re one of those people who says this, your best bet is probably on Hinge. If I’m being real I’ve made a lot of great connections on Hinge and it’s nice to start a convo with someone based on a little more than just mutual attraction. I actually think they’re on to something with their algorithm and filtering. I just wanna be able to filter out anyone who might say “my person” and make it a dealbreaker. There’s also something sketchy with their “Friends With” list. According to friend’s accounts it claims that I’m friends with people I have never met; it’s both genius and sketchy. So get your most swiped photo from Tinder and download Hinge if you’re looking for your person.
Kill – Bzzz. Hey Bumble. It’s Ike here and I’m here to kill you. Yeah, I know you are supposed to be the anti-Tinder what with your founder being a former Tinderer but I’m just not that into you. It’s not that you’re basically the Instagram of dating apps (no pun intended). It’s not that I want to be the one to make the first move, it’s that women want me to…or so they tell me. I’m sure you have some more statistically significant data but it’s not what my data…or dates tells me. I think all they wanted was to filter out certain guys like Hinge lets you do. I’m not saying all guys hate it I’m just saying if my phone needed extra storage space you’re probably the first to go. Sorry honey.
And if you’re wondering about The League, it’s totally just a status symbol. It’s like the Canada Goose of Parkas.
UPDATE:
I was informed, on a Hinge date no less, that there is a difference between “Friends With” and “Shares Friends With” on Hinge. I still think it’s genius and sketchy.